When I Found You Book Club Discussion Guide
1) Do you have a person in your life who has been there since day one, but who is not biologically related to you? Have you ever had a relationship with someone (outside your family) since the day they were born? How did this relationship come about? What would your life be like without this person in it? Why are some non-family relationships sometimes stronger than family?
2) More than once a character asked Nathan why he showed such a remarkable commitment to this boy. His answer remained the same, give or take a word. “Why not? What else have I done with my life that’s remarkable?” Why do you think Nathan never gave up on Nat?
Have you ever looked at your own life and wanted to feel you had made more of a difference? If so, what did you do? Did your efforts involve another human being, or a different sort of contribution?
3) The author has, in Nat, created a character who was difficult to like. Did this increase or decrease your enjoyment of the story? To what extent did Nat’s circumstances justify his bad decisions? To what extent did you want to pummel some sense into him all the same? Did you come around to liking Nat by the time the novel ended?
4) “Gamma” seems to have made a lot of mistakes in the raising of Nat. And yet she acted in what she thought was Nat’s best interest—misguidedly or not—and did what she thought was right for him. But Nat grew up deeply resentful because she lied to him about his mother and her abandonment of him. Do you think Gamma should have told Nat the truth? If so, at what age do you think he was ready to hear what really happened?
5) Nathan never seemed to achieve a happy marriage for himself. Why do you think this is? Do you think he was right to choose Nat over Eleanor, given his reasoning? Did you identify with her frustration? She certainly ended up in a different situation than the one she’d anticipated. Or do you feel she should have shown a more open heart and a better spirit of compromise to keep her marriage together?
6) Nathan said, “I have always felt that the truth is simply the truth. And perhaps does not exist for us to bend and revise. Or even filter to suit the feelings of those we love and want to protect.” Do you agree with this statement?
Do you ever tell “little white lies” to protect the feelings of others? Is a lie ever better than the truth? Is the truth always better than silence? How different do you think our lives would be if we always told others the truth?
7) Do you feel it is civilized to hunt, if it’s done to provide food? Have you ever hunted or fished? Would you ever? Do you eat meat/fish/fowl? If you had to kill it yourself, would you? Or would you choose a vegetarian lifestyle if there was no one to provide the meat already killed and dressed? Why does it feels so different “To eat a chicken only if it comes from the market…”? How has the civilization of our society changed the way we feel about killing and eating animals, such as fowl?
8) If you had taken responsibility for a young person, whether he was your own child or not, what would you do if he landed in jail? Would you post bail? Why or why not? If not, how would you communicate why you feel such a decision is in his best interest? Would you be like Nathan and show up every visiting day, even if the detention facility was a long way from home?
9) Do you know anyone like Nathan? Do you feel his steadiness and integrity is too idealized, or do you think it’s possible to achieve these qualities in real life? Have you ever known anyone who seemed particularly wise and dependable? What effect did these qualities have on your life?
10) The love that Nathan showed for Nat was very close to unconditional. Do you feel that unconditional love is an attainable goal for human beings? If not, do you believe in working toward such a goal even if you don’t believe it can ever be entirely realized? How do you think one can learn to love with fewer conditions?
11) Eleanor had a great disdain for boxing, and therefore felt it was a dream she could not support, and one that Nathan should not support. But Nathan said it was Nat’s dream, not theirs, and that you can’t support someone only if their dream “is a good match for your own.” Do you agree that Nathan should have supported Nat’s dream even though Nat could—and did—get hurt? Or do you think Nathan should only have supported Nat in a safer endeavor? Have you ever supported someone in chasing a dream that was not a good fit for your own?
12) Nat showed a great fondness for dogs, and couldn’t even bring himself to shoot a duck. Yet he was violent and disrespectful toward others through most of the story. Did you feel that these disparate elements remained credible and within character? Did Nat’s occasional moments of tenderness change your feelings toward him? When a child has “grown up hard” and becomes a delinquent, do you feel that the tenderness he was born with is gone, or do you feel it is buried?
13) Is there anything you will view differently in your life after reading this book? Anything you will do differently?
14) Have you read other titles by the same author? If so, how does this one compare? Will you seek out more novels by the author? Why or why not?
